Category Archives: FUTURE FOCUS

Updates

Goodness it’s been awhile

Oct 24- Allen’s birthday—went to the gym, went go-karting (tried to at K1) went to Speed zone instead, then went home for Chinese food, then had ice cream cake, then went to Bar 35 for Allen’s ugly mofo thing (saw Kellen and Kevin, Tony and his gf)
Oct 25- I think this was Monday—so Oct 25- 29 – work and all that jazz
Oct 30- USC game- that was a blast- ESPN Homecoming day, we went to view wedding locations (Diamond Bar and San Dimas) and then we went to the game…great fun (bought tix at StubHub), played games, ate junk food. N was properly drunk. I gave him his Barcaly jersey!
Oct 31- I remember we were really busy, then ended up going to his gma’s house and then rented Anaconda
Nov 1- Nov 3- boring
Nov 3- N’s birthday! He got off work early, I gave him his shirts and he took a long nap and then we went to his gma’s house.
Nov 4, 5 work
Nov 6- skydiving!!! Awesome- was me, Nathan and Dillon. We waited all day (our appointment was at 1pm but then we played games (darts, pickle), and then we jumped and it was very cold, I hugged a cloud and got motion sickness. Then we went to N’s parents and had a wonderful dinner
Nov 7- Porter Valley and Vellano- we found our wedding location!! Now time to book and secure! Sorry for the quick update—OH baking update- I made mini pumpkin pies  they are quite good. Next I will make a pull apart football cake. November 8- yesterday- N’s car is still messed up- so we took it to his parents last night, oh and we got N’s wedding band!!! And got my ring cleaned. It’s so sparkly now!!!
nov 9- today – got good news at work  – im stranded at home though
Nov 10- tomm PTO

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Updates!

July 19- Anxiety attacks again. Work, eat, and then went to Nathan’s house for dinner and laundry and a couple of bad movies. His parents are fantastic. His dad made a dinner especially for me- shrimps and healthy vegetables and rice. It was lovely. I really like his parents. I want to do something special for them.

July 20-

Worked, drove a far way out to Los Angeles on Cahuenga to go to Umami burger with Truc, Deb and Josh and had a wonderful time. Then I went home to work/ fall asleep a little and then Irene came over with a lovely house warming gift- a beautiful candle and candle holder. I came home, went to the gym by myself and now I am having quiet time with Nathan- which is nice. We got our engagement pictures today 🙂 ok onto my letters to others:

J-

I think ultimately what is bothering me is that I am struggling to find purpose and I realized that what I am currently doing and what I was currently doing was just distracting me from finding my actual purpose. Cliche right- what is your purpose in life? I was panicking and honest to God having anxiety attacks by myself trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me- I am in perfect health, great friends, great family, great fiance, nice place, great job, great coworkers- I really do have it all. And even when I didn’t have this- I had a life full of fun and travels- like not knowing what continent I would be on the next week or who I would see and meet. It was all nice distractions…and well those actually had a purpose…they were learning experiences. I found always that when I put myself in challenging or uncomfortable situations I learned more about myself. And that was what I was missing- that adventure, that challenge.

I went rock climbing a couple of weeks ago- destroyed my beautiful soft hands and legs and fell more than I should have and as insignificant as it was– climbing a rock- it was difficult and challenging for me and I loved it. Wow- look at me complaining about how easy I have it and how I don’t like it. It’s like drugs…once you are use to a certain thing the endorphins won’t let you understand a lower level of happiness.

I like the stability, I miss the adventure, I miss the challenges (yes there are new challenges but they are not as difficult so not as fun). What am I going to do? I don’t know. How am I going to figure out my purpose…not sure– probably will have to go back to square one.

The thing about being content and having everything you want is that the creativity is gone and the lust for ideas and more is gone. I don’t think the grass is greener- I just think I can plant way more grass and flowers and make a better path on it.

I’ll let you know when I figure it out 🙂

So—- I definitely need to go back on a diet- I have been eating way too much these days– 121.5lbs ugh– and then I was like f- it so I ate more…anyway- time to get back on the coffee and fruits diet 🙂

xoxoxo.

Made up, good weekend :)

Fantastic weekend- here are the stats:

Friday- well I wrote about that already- got some stuff done.
Saturday- GYM, Rose Bowl for 3 miles, Dodger Game
Saturday was a bit tumultuous for me because my moods were kicking up again- it was that whole drug thing well if I were on drugs thing again. I had 6 different ups and downs before 12pm and I honestly did not know what was going on with me.  I was so happy when we woke up, then so angry at breakfast, then happy after breakfast, angry at the gym, beyond angry at the gym, happy around the rose bowl, angry before the dodger game,

THEN we talked. I just had to bring it up and Nathan could tell that something was bothering me and he was pretty upset when I told him I wasn’t very happy since we got engaged. And the drive over to Dodger stadium was killer- we both had very heavy hearts. We talked about it and I was so stressed as we went to Vons to get snacks and then got snacks at the stadium.

We decided that I was nervous for the move in. And we really talked it through while waiting for the game to start. And honestly I felt better just after talking to Nathan about it.

The game itself was full of action!! Lots of good hits from the Braves and the Dodgers. We were up 2-0 until the 7th inning…which Billingsly left it was over. I swear we have some of the worse second string pitches ever. Billingsly, Crenshaw and Broxton= awesome. Tronsoco is awful- he allowed 4 runs before even getting one person out. Needless to say, after the pitchers changed and really made our outfield work– it was over. But the game was cool- lots of beach balls, waves, food, Nathan and Eileen make up smiles and kisses, a proposal from some guy, songs but no foul balls our way. Manny threw one into our stands though- that was nice.

It was nice to watch the game with Allen and Sidney. Dillion, Eric and Sarah were in the stadium as well. I feel kind of bad for Nathan….Dillon hasn’t really come through for him lately and I can tell it upsets him.

Allen took us to KOGI after- YUM! I can see why there is a lot of hype- Allen’s right- it’s slightly better than the best taco you’ve ever had 🙂

Nathan and I passed out after- exhausted!

Sunday- CHURCH in the morning. Pastor Greg is in Isreal so we had another pastor preach about storms and hard times and how Jesus puts us in these storms and that we have to have faith in him and that He will pray for us. Just as He sent his decipals away in the storm, He is putting us here too. It was a good reminder for me honestly and I needed it.

Then Nathan and I ran errands- Target, Marshalls, and got some lunch. Before we knew it- it was time for the LAKERS!

We went to Irene and Casey’s for the game and Allen and Sidney showed up too- it was so fun. I’m upset at the refs for the 4 bad calls. 2 AWFUL calls on Kobe for fouls that were not fouls and a bad call on Gasol when Garnett’s hand was the one that knocked the ball out.  UGH. But anyway it was fun- I’m happiest when all of the people I love are together and that’s what happened. Sidney and Allen loved their sugar glider and it is pretty cute 🙂

After that, Nathan and I hit the gym- I did 3 miles on the treadmill then a couple on the elliptical and then we came home and I had an urge to organize as I sometimes do.

And now it is Monday morning, I made Nathan breakfast and I drank my coffee and here I am 🙂

Friday night

My fiance is passed out on my bed and has been this way since 4:30pm 🙂 It is very funny. He woke up for the salmon dinner that I made and then went back to bed. In the meantime I:

– Washed and waxed my car and I am trying my cat-be-gone technique for the pesky cat that sleeps on the soft top of my car
– Cooked dinner for us
– Read a book
– Am exploring house prices
– Ate some ice cream (boo)
– Determining my goals for the rest of the year 🙂
– Chatted with my best friend
I feel good today- I wrote Nathan a letter apologizing and clarifying the crazy drugged out Eileen that he has been seeing and things are fine. Things were probably always fine with him but at least I feel better.

Oh I forgot to mention that last Wednesday, Nathan, myself, his dad, Dillon and Dillion’s gf Sarah went hiking and then we all went to dinner with his mom at Don Joses and then we all watched Meet the Parents- a nice Lee family night + fiance to be (me!) and Sarah. That was fun. We’ll probably do something altogether for July 4th. My family doesn’t really have family activities so this is nice.

This weekend- well today Nathan and I were suppose to go to the gym and then go dancing- but he is fast asleep in my bed
Tomorrow- probably gym, then I’d like to do the Rose Bowl and then Dodger game with Allen and Sidney (Dillon and Sarah will be there too somewhere)
Sunday- CHURCH (we have to this week rawr we missed a few weeks now) and rock climbing with IJ and Casey.

I completed 4 of my interviews for the internal position this week and I’m off to Round 5 next week! It’s been stressful but kind of funny because when I think about it I have had almost 7 weeks of pure vacation now not to mention the time that I got to work from home- my company is great.

OK I have been inspired to recreate my personal map. I need to divide my life into a few categories:

Relationships:
FAMILY- immediate, Nathan’s family, extended family
FRIENDS- best friends, local friends, national friends, international friends
NETWORK- work (ACN, Idealab, PG, clients), Riordan (UCLA), Morehead (UNC), mmm

Career:
WORK
BUSINESS SCHOOL
VENTURES

Money:
PERSONAL FINANCE
WORTHY INVESTMENTS

Personal (Brain, heart and physical matters):
PERSONAL GROWTH
ACTIVITES/VENTURES

Adventure:
FUN THINGS
SCARY THINGS
AMAZING THINGS

Is there anything else? I may need to pull out the pink book for this or I may want to do it as Stephen Covey recommends to write down the goals in terms of the roles that I play.

Right now my short term goals are to get a stable source of income (or determine that I won’t have one), study for my GMATs, get my essays in order, get more defined abs, get my running and endurance back, lose my scars that I get from my bed and my room 😦 (mederma), hair is good- done there, whiten teeth, really want to set a goal to buy a house by next year (uncertainty in future plans make that hard), write a book or fun short stories, continue to plan events for my friends, make Nathan and Casey good friends, become better friends with Casey myself, not kill Nathan or myself when we live together, spend more time with my own family, continue to wash and wax my car on a regular basis- get rid of those damn scratches and get that Ragtopp cleaner stuff, figure out my personal finances, pack my room up to go and try to get rid of some clothes, go to church more and love God, try to stop checking my email every 5 minutes, try to avoid celebrity magazines and People.com no matter how cute Suri Cruise is, plan an amazing birthday sky diving trip for Nathan, plan a wedding and honeymoon,

mmm..ok time to organize all of that…and serve my life’s purpose in there —

Events from June 1

Yesterday was eventful!

Interview in the morning- man was I nervous– I prepped at night and didn’t really sleep because when I came to bed, Nathan did this weird WEIRD thing where he opened his eyes really big and mumbled words in another tongue- I later came to bed because I love his alien butt.

Then I was a hair model– that was busy!! I now have light brown hair and millions of highlights. My stylist was GOOD and the photographers were nice too. I was exhausted after.

Then I drove out to WC to sign our apartment lease with Nathan. That was neat but it didn’t really hit either of us that we were moving in together.

Afterward, I passed out and woke up at 9:40pm.

I wasn’t really feeling like myself yesterday. WHAT IS IT?? Maybe it was because I was tired…or stressed out but I have no idea what it was. But it was awkward. I hat how Nathan has so much control over how I feel like yesterday when we were at the apartments we did not have the first reactions that we normally have when we haven’t seen each other all day (understandable we are in a business setting, but still). Then afterward I was too tired to care about life.

There are too many unknown variables!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Perfect?

Good God last week was a stressful week- I decided a few things about myself. One that I’m not the most interesting blogger  and two- I need to stand by my priorities.

So last week a few things happened- one I actually made the decision (after some soul searching and talking to about 50 friends and family members) that I was no longer going to travel (so no Seattle, no South Carolina). SO- obviously my work involves travel. So this week and next will be looking for a local role- within my alignment and not within my alignment. I found one in Long Beach but ultimately I’m still not going to take it. The thing is whether I would leave my job now or later because I would eventually have to travel or start business school has the same result.

The fact that I have no backup plan worries me. I have options right now- plenty of them…none of them quite concrete yet. That’s the scary part. I finally have an answer to my business school essay question of what’s the biggest risk you’ve ever taken? It’s no longer something I did when I was 16 (leave my family to go volunteer in Thailand) but it’s leaving something that’s comfortable, something that I like without having anything to fall back on (SOOO unlike me- that part doesn’t worry me)- I feel good in my convictions and choices and that I’m doing this for the right reasons- that my priorities of relationships (with Nathan, family, friends) are the most important to me . What does worry me is that I can’t find my passion or drive anymore and INSPIRATION. I need it! Where did it go???

Or was it really even there? I mean don’t tell me it was replaced. Love is amazing and I can’t wait to be married to Nathan but my question is has this changed my passions and messed with my inspiration? If it has then those things weren’t ever really there.

Or maybe this is just growing up and realizing that I can’t be so naive all the time. BUT THAT WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT MY THOUGHTS! 🙂 thinking that anything is possible. I still think that- it’s just I’m a little lost. I have one amazing thing but I lost another.

The times when I was most passionate and the times when I had my ideas were times when I was the loneliest and to be honest when I barely had any time.

Point One- In Italy, even surrounded by amazing things and great people, I was lonely and kind of homesick- but that’s when I wrote some of my best ideas and notes.

Point Two- Hawaii- Pink book- Got out of a horrible relationship (only to get back in it 2 months later) and spent some time alone on the beach during the day and found passion in my own thoughts.

Point Three- Black book when my friend passed away- I dissected three great books and analyzed them to a point that would make the authors cringe.

Now I am not lonely- I am surrounded by a great fiance, amazing friends and family. I have everything that I want and even when my job is gone and I don’t have an option to fall back on immediately- I’m a bit apathetic.  That’s it- I believe it now- creative people and geniuses are lonely people. Not exactly a cause and effect or probably a high correlation but work with me here.

I mean what is going on? I have everything a 24 year old could want right now. An adorable, smart and funny fiance who is crazy in love with me (and I him), best friends who live by me, friends who come over Thursday morning and bring me dessert wine (thanks Eduardo) or flowers from their little girl (thanks Ash!), a fantastic family, money, perfect health, looks that I actually like (yeah weird huh- not trying to lose weight or gain weight or change my face), a nice car, VACATION (seriously I have been off work for more than a month now).  I am very blessed and finding it hard to enjoy it.

Anyway this blog is suppose to note what I did this year because time goes by so quickly so here we go:

May 17-21- stressed like crazy, cried some.
Saturday- spent the whole day with Nathan’s mom- Teri
May 25 (Tuesday) Nathan’s day off- helped him pick out a suit, went to Hollywood and saw the walk of fame and the stars and then we got a map of the stars homes and then went to Bob Barkers, Matthew Perrys, Ryan Reynolds, Lawrence Fishburn and Brangelina’s house! Nathan made me get out of the car and look through the Pitt-Jolie’s fence and I heard Brad’s voice!!
May 26- BEACH!!! I’m tanned and sore from football.
May 27- Gym and lunch with Dad

OK back to thoughts- I’m content and I’m happy except for that freaking dirt stain or whatever the heck it is on the soft-top of my car (FFF).  And I have no responsibilities and the opportunity to do whatever I want except I’m back to square one when I’m not sure what that is. I mean of course I will prep myself for every opportunity available and find them but I’m tired of doing that and then just choosing the best option. I want to find what I really want and just go for that.

And I STILL have not seen Iron Man 2. UGH.

Also I must be the only girl in the world who does not have that wedding planning excitement gene. I really want to enjoy my engagement with Nathan right now. To be perfectly honest I would be more excited if I didn’t have to think about how I’m suppose to have a  Chinese-American Christian wedding and who I might offend when the day is suppose to be about Nathan and I.

I have everything that a girl should want and I’m also good at sports and I like sports and I WANT to help my brother put a Corvette engine in a 240Z and I’m gonna be a hair model for a fabulous Beverly Hills salon and I have options for jobs.

RAWR i am blessed 🙂

April 12, 2010
Worked, worked out. Lame day.
April 13, 2010
Easily one of the more disappointing days that I have had in awhile. I know I should value and appreciate the time that I have off and the time that I am going to have to study and spend time with my family. But I don’t think I am very good at having this much time to myself. It’s almost been a month that I have been home now and I have to admit although I have enjoyed it I am beginning to go a little crazy. I have been scheduling early morning meetings like 5am and 1am in order to have something significant to do (and do my job a bit better to catch up with people in the UK) or to be sleepy to stimulate some creativity or “busy” nature so that I am creative again. I can’t think of anything more sad. I really don’t know what to do with my time. I am a social person so spending this much time alone does not suit me very well. I miss the days of traveling where there was always some sort of adventure- something different to look forward to and routine was something that I never had. I think that is what this is- having a routine that I am just not accustomed to. I mean to complain about having too much time to myself is ridiculous. There are plenty of people in situations who would love to be in mine and I know a couple of months from now I would be so happy to be in my position.
So why am I not?

1. I don’t have the umph or motivation that I have when I am really busy and pressed for time. I have the homework is due three weeks from now why work on it now syndrome. I am good and creative at the last minute.
2. Friends are employed. Brother is employed. I am by myself until about 3:30 and even then I don’t spend too much time talking with my parents.
3. Nathan- although I am thrilled to be home and spending time with him. I find that I expect him to play Mickey Mouse when he gets home and when he falls short I am disappointed
4. Mainly it’s the where did the umph go that bugs me? I feel like I am stuck in this awful rut and I have no direction.
Enough of that though- I am making plans! I am planning out my days and then setting goals for myself so that I don’t sleep because I am bored. That will quickly turn into alcoholism- pathetic huh? I should be so lucky. WHO AM I NOW? Goodness this is so not me it’s not even funny.
The Eileen I knew had 100 billion things going on and so much motivation to do it all. The Eileen today has all the time, the know how and the means and I have no motivation. This needs to change immediately. John Motley Morehead would turn in his grave knowing this.

Okay so Nathan story that has me kind of peeved at 10:56pm. He is laying next to me passed out, tired and drunk. I got home from shopping at around 6:00pm expecting him to be home from his half work day, half planned coworker outing day. I figured he would take until about 8pm and we would go to Dave and Busters. I talk to Bobby and Brian on the phone and then Nathan calls at 8:30 saying he is just leaving work- back at probably 9:30. Fine not an issue- even though I’m a bit annoyed I have to wait. 9:30 comes along, he comes home and I smell the alcohol on him three feet away and think- fine not an issue so long as he’s not tired and can function. So there is an issue. He is tired and can barely string words together. I am so disappointed at this moment that not only did I only get 15 minutes of barely there conscious time with Nathan but that I had to spend my night in order to be this disappointed.

I don’t care if he has work functions or hell go get drunk with your friends or whatever but when you set an expectation with me I expected him to follow through and when he doesn’t not only is he wasting my time but he is telling me in his actions that he does not value or respect my time. Fine you have a work thing, come home late- no worries- this happens to consultants all the time…but if you are going to tell me that we are still going to do this or that and not be 100% there then I’m upset.
He comes home and still wants to go to DB when he falls asleep in a matter of minutes.
Okay so points
– I expected to spend more time with Nathan- expected him to be home earlier than he was
– He did not communicate to me when he would be home
– I did not expect him to come home drunk
– I did not expect him to come home tired
– I did not expect to have 15 minutes of barely there conscious time with him
These are the moments when I dislike dating someone my age. Someone who doesn’t see past himself and his own world some times.

On Thursday for his work event I told him to just go home and I am going to need for him to follow through with that because I just don’t care to repeat any of the above.

15 minutes of stumbly words does not a conversation make nor does not a good boyfriend make.

Don’t get me wrong- I love the snoring giant next to me but tonight was one of those total strike outs on opening day. Makes me feel like he does not respect my time and he does not care. Rant rant rant.