July 19- Anxiety attacks again. Work, eat, and then went to Nathan’s house for dinner and laundry and a couple of bad movies. His parents are fantastic. His dad made a dinner especially for me- shrimps and healthy vegetables and rice. It was lovely. I really like his parents. I want to do something special for them.
Worked, drove a far way out to Los Angeles on Cahuenga to go to Umami burger with Truc, Deb and Josh and had a wonderful time. Then I went home to work/ fall asleep a little and then Irene came over with a lovely house warming gift- a beautiful candle and candle holder. I came home, went to the gym by myself and now I am having quiet time with Nathan- which is nice. We got our engagement pictures today 🙂 ok onto my letters to others:
I think ultimately what is bothering me is that I am struggling to find purpose and I realized that what I am currently doing and what I was currently doing was just distracting me from finding my actual purpose. Cliche right- what is your purpose in life? I was panicking and honest to God having anxiety attacks by myself trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me- I am in perfect health, great friends, great family, great fiance, nice place, great job, great coworkers- I really do have it all. And even when I didn’t have this- I had a life full of fun and travels- like not knowing what continent I would be on the next week or who I would see and meet. It was all nice distractions…and well those actually had a purpose…they were learning experiences. I found always that when I put myself in challenging or uncomfortable situations I learned more about myself. And that was what I was missing- that adventure, that challenge.
I went rock climbing a couple of weeks ago- destroyed my beautiful soft hands and legs and fell more than I should have and as insignificant as it was– climbing a rock- it was difficult and challenging for me and I loved it. Wow- look at me complaining about how easy I have it and how I don’t like it. It’s like drugs…once you are use to a certain thing the endorphins won’t let you understand a lower level of happiness.
I like the stability, I miss the adventure, I miss the challenges (yes there are new challenges but they are not as difficult so not as fun). What am I going to do? I don’t know. How am I going to figure out my purpose…not sure– probably will have to go back to square one.
The thing about being content and having everything you want is that the creativity is gone and the lust for ideas and more is gone. I don’t think the grass is greener- I just think I can plant way more grass and flowers and make a better path on it.
I’ll let you know when I figure it out 🙂
So—- I definitely need to go back on a diet- I have been eating way too much these days– 121.5lbs ugh– and then I was like f- it so I ate more…anyway- time to get back on the coffee and fruits diet 🙂