Perfect?

Good God last week was a stressful week- I decided a few things about myself. One that I’m not the most interesting blogger  and two- I need to stand by my priorities.

So last week a few things happened- one I actually made the decision (after some soul searching and talking to about 50 friends and family members) that I was no longer going to travel (so no Seattle, no South Carolina). SO- obviously my work involves travel. So this week and next will be looking for a local role- within my alignment and not within my alignment. I found one in Long Beach but ultimately I’m still not going to take it. The thing is whether I would leave my job now or later because I would eventually have to travel or start business school has the same result.

The fact that I have no backup plan worries me. I have options right now- plenty of them…none of them quite concrete yet. That’s the scary part. I finally have an answer to my business school essay question of what’s the biggest risk you’ve ever taken? It’s no longer something I did when I was 16 (leave my family to go volunteer in Thailand) but it’s leaving something that’s comfortable, something that I like without having anything to fall back on (SOOO unlike me- that part doesn’t worry me)- I feel good in my convictions and choices and that I’m doing this for the right reasons- that my priorities of relationships (with Nathan, family, friends) are the most important to me . What does worry me is that I can’t find my passion or drive anymore and INSPIRATION. I need it! Where did it go???

Or was it really even there? I mean don’t tell me it was replaced. Love is amazing and I can’t wait to be married to Nathan but my question is has this changed my passions and messed with my inspiration? If it has then those things weren’t ever really there.

Or maybe this is just growing up and realizing that I can’t be so naive all the time. BUT THAT WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT MY THOUGHTS! 🙂 thinking that anything is possible. I still think that- it’s just I’m a little lost. I have one amazing thing but I lost another.

The times when I was most passionate and the times when I had my ideas were times when I was the loneliest and to be honest when I barely had any time.

Point One- In Italy, even surrounded by amazing things and great people, I was lonely and kind of homesick- but that’s when I wrote some of my best ideas and notes.

Point Two- Hawaii- Pink book- Got out of a horrible relationship (only to get back in it 2 months later) and spent some time alone on the beach during the day and found passion in my own thoughts.

Point Three- Black book when my friend passed away- I dissected three great books and analyzed them to a point that would make the authors cringe.

Now I am not lonely- I am surrounded by a great fiance, amazing friends and family. I have everything that I want and even when my job is gone and I don’t have an option to fall back on immediately- I’m a bit apathetic.  That’s it- I believe it now- creative people and geniuses are lonely people. Not exactly a cause and effect or probably a high correlation but work with me here.

I mean what is going on? I have everything a 24 year old could want right now. An adorable, smart and funny fiance who is crazy in love with me (and I him), best friends who live by me, friends who come over Thursday morning and bring me dessert wine (thanks Eduardo) or flowers from their little girl (thanks Ash!), a fantastic family, money, perfect health, looks that I actually like (yeah weird huh- not trying to lose weight or gain weight or change my face), a nice car, VACATION (seriously I have been off work for more than a month now).  I am very blessed and finding it hard to enjoy it.

Anyway this blog is suppose to note what I did this year because time goes by so quickly so here we go:

May 17-21- stressed like crazy, cried some.
Saturday- spent the whole day with Nathan’s mom- Teri
May 25 (Tuesday) Nathan’s day off- helped him pick out a suit, went to Hollywood and saw the walk of fame and the stars and then we got a map of the stars homes and then went to Bob Barkers, Matthew Perrys, Ryan Reynolds, Lawrence Fishburn and Brangelina’s house! Nathan made me get out of the car and look through the Pitt-Jolie’s fence and I heard Brad’s voice!!
May 26- BEACH!!! I’m tanned and sore from football.
May 27- Gym and lunch with Dad

OK back to thoughts- I’m content and I’m happy except for that freaking dirt stain or whatever the heck it is on the soft-top of my car (FFF).  And I have no responsibilities and the opportunity to do whatever I want except I’m back to square one when I’m not sure what that is. I mean of course I will prep myself for every opportunity available and find them but I’m tired of doing that and then just choosing the best option. I want to find what I really want and just go for that.

And I STILL have not seen Iron Man 2. UGH.

Also I must be the only girl in the world who does not have that wedding planning excitement gene. I really want to enjoy my engagement with Nathan right now. To be perfectly honest I would be more excited if I didn’t have to think about how I’m suppose to have a  Chinese-American Christian wedding and who I might offend when the day is suppose to be about Nathan and I.

I have everything that a girl should want and I’m also good at sports and I like sports and I WANT to help my brother put a Corvette engine in a 240Z and I’m gonna be a hair model for a fabulous Beverly Hills salon and I have options for jobs.

RAWR i am blessed 🙂

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