April 12, 2010
Worked, worked out. Lame day.
April 13, 2010
Easily one of the more disappointing days that I have had in awhile. I know I should value and appreciate the time that I have off and the time that I am going to have to study and spend time with my family. But I don’t think I am very good at having this much time to myself. It’s almost been a month that I have been home now and I have to admit although I have enjoyed it I am beginning to go a little crazy. I have been scheduling early morning meetings like 5am and 1am in order to have something significant to do (and do my job a bit better to catch up with people in the UK) or to be sleepy to stimulate some creativity or “busy” nature so that I am creative again. I can’t think of anything more sad. I really don’t know what to do with my time. I am a social person so spending this much time alone does not suit me very well. I miss the days of traveling where there was always some sort of adventure- something different to look forward to and routine was something that I never had. I think that is what this is- having a routine that I am just not accustomed to. I mean to complain about having too much time to myself is ridiculous. There are plenty of people in situations who would love to be in mine and I know a couple of months from now I would be so happy to be in my position.
So why am I not?
1. I don’t have the umph or motivation that I have when I am really busy and pressed for time. I have the homework is due three weeks from now why work on it now syndrome. I am good and creative at the last minute.
2. Friends are employed. Brother is employed. I am by myself until about 3:30 and even then I don’t spend too much time talking with my parents.
3. Nathan- although I am thrilled to be home and spending time with him. I find that I expect him to play Mickey Mouse when he gets home and when he falls short I am disappointed
4. Mainly it’s the where did the umph go that bugs me? I feel like I am stuck in this awful rut and I have no direction.
Enough of that though- I am making plans! I am planning out my days and then setting goals for myself so that I don’t sleep because I am bored. That will quickly turn into alcoholism- pathetic huh? I should be so lucky. WHO AM I NOW? Goodness this is so not me it’s not even funny.
The Eileen I knew had 100 billion things going on and so much motivation to do it all. The Eileen today has all the time, the know how and the means and I have no motivation. This needs to change immediately. John Motley Morehead would turn in his grave knowing this.
Okay so Nathan story that has me kind of peeved at 10:56pm. He is laying next to me passed out, tired and drunk. I got home from shopping at around 6:00pm expecting him to be home from his half work day, half planned coworker outing day. I figured he would take until about 8pm and we would go to Dave and Busters. I talk to Bobby and Brian on the phone and then Nathan calls at 8:30 saying he is just leaving work- back at probably 9:30. Fine not an issue- even though I’m a bit annoyed I have to wait. 9:30 comes along, he comes home and I smell the alcohol on him three feet away and think- fine not an issue so long as he’s not tired and can function. So there is an issue. He is tired and can barely string words together. I am so disappointed at this moment that not only did I only get 15 minutes of barely there conscious time with Nathan but that I had to spend my night in order to be this disappointed.
I don’t care if he has work functions or hell go get drunk with your friends or whatever but when you set an expectation with me I expected him to follow through and when he doesn’t not only is he wasting my time but he is telling me in his actions that he does not value or respect my time. Fine you have a work thing, come home late- no worries- this happens to consultants all the time…but if you are going to tell me that we are still going to do this or that and not be 100% there then I’m upset.
He comes home and still wants to go to DB when he falls asleep in a matter of minutes.
Okay so points
– I expected to spend more time with Nathan- expected him to be home earlier than he was
– He did not communicate to me when he would be home
– I did not expect him to come home drunk
– I did not expect him to come home tired
– I did not expect to have 15 minutes of barely there conscious time with him
These are the moments when I dislike dating someone my age. Someone who doesn’t see past himself and his own world some times.
On Thursday for his work event I told him to just go home and I am going to need for him to follow through with that because I just don’t care to repeat any of the above.
15 minutes of stumbly words does not a conversation make nor does not a good boyfriend make.
Don’t get me wrong- I love the snoring giant next to me but tonight was one of those total strike outs on opening day. Makes me feel like he does not respect my time and he does not care. Rant rant rant.